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BEST DIVOICE LETTER EVER !!!!
Started by Asbo Mick. Last reply by Nancy Jun 27, 2013. 3 Replies 0 Likes
The Best Divorce Letter, ever!FIRST LETTER:My Dear husband:I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you..I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years &I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weekshave been hell. Your boss called to tell me thatyou left your job today which was the last straw.Last week, you came home & you didn't evennotice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked yourfavourite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleepafter watching your TV soaps.You don't tell me you love me any more; youdon't want sex or anything that connects usas husband & wife. Either you're cheating onme or you don't love me any more; whateverthe case, I'm gone.Your EX-Wife.Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I aremoving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!REPLY:Dear Ex-wife,Nothing has made my day more than receivingyour letter. It's true you & I have been married for20 years, although a good woman is a far cryfrom what you've been. I watch TV soaps so muchbecause they drown out your constant whining& *****ing. Too bad that doesn't work any more..I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, butthe 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look justlike a boy!'Since my father raised me not to sayanything, if you can't say something nice, I didn'tcomment......and when you cooked my favourite meal,you must have got me confused with MY BROTHERbecause I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.About the new nightie: I turned away from you becausethe $299.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was acoincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300from me that morning.After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work itout. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday,I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris , but whenI got home you were gone. Everything happens for areason, I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.My lawyer said that the…Continue
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Comment by Asbo Mick on June 27, 2013 at 8:01pm
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The Labour Party Members off Parliament
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WHAT KIND OF A FART ARE YOU?
1-AMBITIOUS - Always ready for a fart.
2-LAZY - Just fizzles
3-AMIABLE - Likes to smell others farts
4-SELFISH - Only enjoys smelling own farts
5-CARELESS - Farts in church
6-SMART ALEC - Farts when ladies are present.
7-CLEVER - Farts and coughs at same time
8-SCIENTIFIC - Bottles own farts
9-STINGY - Belches instead of farting to save asshole
10-FOOLISH - Farts and laughs.
11-SHY - Blushes even when farts silently.
12-CONCEITED - Thinks they can fart loudest.
13-UNLUCKY - Tries to fart and shits pants.
14- TIMID - Jumps when farting.
15-BEWILDERED - can't tell own farts from others.
16-SLOVENLY - Farts and fizzles, rots pants.
17-NERVOUS - Stops in middle of fart.
18-MISERABLE - Can't fart
19-CONFUSED - Face looks so much like ass,Farts don't know where to go.
20-GROUCH - Grumbles when ladies fart.
21-SNEAKY - Farts and blames it on the dog.
22-DISAPPOINTED - Their farts don't stink.
23-FRESH GUY - Jumps in front of you and farts.
24-BIG BULLY - Farts louder than everyone else.
25-DELUDED - Enjoys all farts thinking they are their own.
26-CUTE - Discovers from farts what others have eaten.
27-WISE - Farts and say's "Who in hell shit ??"
28-DAMNED MEAN - Farts in bed and pulls covers over wife's head.
29-MUSICAL - Tenor or bass Clear as a bell Smells like shit Sounds like
Hell.
30-HONEST - Farts and blames in on the hostess.
31-LIVELY - Jumps in air, farts three times, kicks like hell simultaneously.Like · ·
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What's That?
A little boy asks his dad, "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers, "Paradise, my son."
The kid asks again, "What's between your legs?"
The father replies, "The key to paradise."
The son says, "A piece of advice for you dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a copy!"
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Comment by Nancy on June 27, 2013 at 5:47pm
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Thank God for people like those young men. Awesome!
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password ... something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
..... P .... E .... N . I ... S ...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
****PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH ****
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Some of the songs of the 60s are being re-issued with new lyrics to accommodate the "aging" baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
The Beatles -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
Roberta Flack --The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
Abba -- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again
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Dandruff in the elevator
A blonde and a brunette get into an elevator and punch in two of the
highest floors. They do not know each other, so they stay to themselves.About halfway up to their respective floors, a balding gentleman
enters the elevator with them, with some of the most atrocious dandruff
either of the women had even seen gracing the shoulders of his suit. He
didn’t seem to notice, but they were practically revolted for the trip.His floor came up quickly and as the door shut from his exit, the
brunette looked up to the blond and commented “That man needs to get
some Head and Shoulders.”The blonde got really confused before asking, “Wait, how do you give shoulders?”
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